Trust
by ilurandir
Summary: "We could do it, you know." Barry said. "A separation..."


Barry dropped to his knees in front of the toilet bowl and waited. The party was going strong downstairs. Tom pushed his brother's hair out of his face as he always had, ever since he could remember. Barry had broken out into a cold sweat, but he didn't seem to mind that he was shaking so badly, nor did he even seem to feel sick. That was one of the wonders about being this drunk, Tom thought.

Barry lurched forward, coughing and Tom glanced away from the mess. His brother made a disgusted, half exhausted noise and rested his elbow on the rim of the bowl, pressing his palm against his clammy forehead. They waited.

"All right now?" Tom asked after several moments had passed. Not half a second went by before Barry threw up again. "No," Barry answered, but he pulled away from the toilet and pushed the handle down to flush it. They sat like that, on the floor, for several minutes. Tom was the first to move again. Barry was half-passed out it seemed, still sitting.

Tom cleared his throat. "Do you want to clean that, or should I?" Barry's eyes opened and regarded him blearily. "Hm?" Tom reached forward, using the sleeve of his sweater to wipe some of the excess bile from under his brother's nose. Baz was partially sick from cocaine as well. He wouldn't let Tom do it this time, but Barry had certainly done enough for the both of them. Barry closed his eyes again and pulled his head away. "Stop it."

Barry began to stand, and Tom followed. They staggered and Barry grappled at the bathroom counter, stopping them both from going down. "Fuck," he muttered. They straightened up, and Tom looked up at them in the mirror. He hardly recognized them as the boys that had come here less than half a year ago. Barry had dark makeup ringing his eyes, running from sweat and just being on all day and Tom's dark circles were more prominent than ever.

He looped his arm around Barry's waist, supporting him, and pulled him over to the top, half falling onto the edge of it, catching himself with his hand, and turning on the water. It was probably too hot, but he didn't really care.

"Still sick?" He asked Barry, who was leaning over the edge of the tub with him, eyes closed, breathing heavily. He didn't answer, so Tom took that as a sign that Baz was going to keep his mouth shut.

The tub was filled enough and Tom pulled back, slowly, feeling the effects of the alcohol and the drugs, and knowing Barry was feeling it worse than him. It always seemed to hit Baz harder. He took his time, stripping off his own shirt, jeans and shoes, and Barry followed suit after a moment. They carefully manoeuvred themselves so that they were on the edge of the tub, as usual, their legs in the water. Tom turned on the cold and held his hand under it before holding it to Barry's forehead, his cheeks.

"Better?"

Barry made a soft noise that wasn't really an affirmative, but Tom ran his hand under the cold water again before turning it off. When he pressed his hand to Barry's cheek a second time, Baz leaned into the touch. His eyes flickered open. "Maybe."

Maybe... maybe it was all the drugs and alcohol in their systems or maybe it was just because Laura had buggered off when she heard about the party, and Tom was lonesome, but he leaned in and Barry pulled back ever so slightly. It certainly wasn't because his brother had just thrown up that Tom wanted to kiss him.

Barry leaned in, almost touching. "Barry..." Tom whispered, surprised at his own physical reaction. Barry reached for him, and he closed his eyes and leaned in.

BANG

They sprang apart as the wooden door behind them shuddered. It was pushed open and someone they didn't even know staggered in. "Oh," he laughed, obviously piss loaded. "Sorry." He didn't even seem to register the fact that there were two boys sitting naked on the edge of the bathtub together. Perhaps he thought he was seeing double. At his feet, someone was slumped against the wall, clearly having just passed out. The one still standing bowed to them and took of his sunglasses, waving them like a man would a top hat before he tried to put them back on, missing his eyes. "Oops," he giggled. "That doesn't go there," and with that, he slipped them on right, nodded once, and slipped out the door, closing it behind them.

Barry and Tom turned back to each other, and Tom looked away. Barry, however, was still watching him. "You want to go to bed after this?" Tom asked, trying to sound casual.

"You know I don't like it when you play with it that way."

"What?" Tom looked back at Barry and immediately felt his stomach clench... this wasn't all Baz.

"Barry's head. Don't like it, Tommy."

"What are you talking about?"

"Playing your games."

"Barry..."

"What's that? Says you shouldn't, you shouldn't do that, Tommy."

"Do what, Barry?"

"Sometimes... sometimes I feel those things. When he looks at me."

"What? Who?" Tom asked.

"Hasn't got a name," Barry whispered, then: "Tommy should know that by now, shouldn't he, Barry?" Barry quipped to himself.

"Baz, please…" No response. Tom looked away. Suddenly Barry's hand was on his face and when he glanced back at him, it was just long enough to know that it was his brother. No one else.

"You always pull me out of it." Tom looked at Barry sharply. Barry never liked to talk about his episodes after he had them. "I'd die without you... I wouldn't be able to... stop..." Barry said softly, struggling for words.

"You're fine."

"I love you."

Tom froze, staring into the water of the bath without really seeing it. The last time Barry had said that was back on the Head when they were leaving for here... for Humbleden, and he had said it to Robbie.

"I know," Tom said... he'd just never thought to say it. Of course he loved Barry. Barry knew that... didn't he?

"No... that's not..." Barry wasn't looking at him. "... what I..."

"I know, Baz..."

"No!" he sounded frustrated now. He grabbed Tom's face in both hands and kissed him.

Tom 's hands came up around Barry's back so fast it was as though it was natural, but they had never kissed before. Not like this. This wasn't for show. It wasn't a childhood kiss beside the mouth for a laugh from Robbie... this was so much more.

Barry made a little sound and pulled himself closer. He pulled back enough to speak, his forehead against Tom's. "Can we go back to our room, Tommy?"

Fear and excitement both flooded Tom so fast it was like being drunk all over again. "Yes," he said, almost breathlessly, and Barry gave him a funny look before they rose as one and stepped over the side of the tub. They dried off quickly, and Tom moved to pull his trousers back on but Barry's hand shot out and stopped him. They left their clothes on the bathroom floor, too drunk to care, and ventured out into the hallway with only one towel. Hardly anyone came up here to see them anyway. The man was still passed out, slumped against the wall. Once in their room, neither one bothered to flick the lights on. Barry turned to Tom and pulled the towel out of his hands but Tom wouldn't let go. Barry watched, one eyebrow raised as Tom clumsily folded the dark green material and looked around as though expecting a towel rack to materialize out of thin air.

"Just throw it anywhere, Tommy," Barry said, and when he pulled at it again, Tom just let it drop to the floor between their feet. Barry let his eyes skin over his brother's body before he closed the distance between them, bravely, and focused on Tom's collarbone. He bumped it lightly with his nose, and Tom jumped a little.

"Barry what are you doing?"

"What?"

"What are you doing?"

"Can't tell me you don't want to, Tommy. Laura's not here anyway."

"You just want to 'cause..." Tom whispered something Barry didn't catch.

"What?"

"'Cause Paul's not here." Tom muttered.

Barry looked at him for a long moment, and for once, Tom found it difficult to read his expression. When he spoke again, it was after swallowing several times. "What's that matter?"

"You kissed him at that party."

"Jealous?" Barry grinned.

Tom huffed and looked away, and suddenly Barry's body was warm against his, pressing close against him and he staggered back a little, hitting the door. It was then that he realised how drunk he still was. Things seemed to have sobered him up a little.

"Do you want to..." Barry glanced at the bed. "You and me?"

Tom closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the door. He had a feeling that this wasn't all Baz still, this person who leaned up to kiss him… again Tom looked away, "No, Barry..."

Barry glared at him, then turned away, practically dragging Tom across the room to the bed where the threw himself down, flicked on a light switch and pulled out the mirror they used for lines of cocaine from the drawer in the little table beside the bed. He rustled around a moment, pushing Laura's tape recorder aside, and brought out two pills. Ecstasy. "Here, Tommy. Barry does one." He held it up and Tom moved to take it, but stopped, opening his mouth instead. Barry slipped it inside, and then took the other one himself.

Looking away from his brother, suddenly, Barry leant down, the mirror propped up against the lamp and began tracing his eyes with the black eyeliner he held, ignoring Tom completely except for the firm press of his thigh against Tom's.

"Barry... I'm sorry..." Tom said, but he got no response. Not until Barry finished with his makeup, turned around, catching Tom by the shoulder and pushing him back on the bed. Quick as a cat he slid one of his legs between Tom's and was kissing him again, and oh, Tom could feel _every _curve and contour of his brother's body against his own and he couldn't hide his reaction. Barry smirked against his mouth.

They somehow ended up almost diagonal across the bed, but at least, Barry thought, they were on it. Tom was arching against him now, and Barry was thanking the gods, or whoever was up there that Tom needed this as much as he had. He should have known better than to wait this long. Tommy always kept everything to himself.

Barry kissed down Tom's neck, sucking the skin there as he has once seen Paul do. Tom pulled away with a soft noise of pain. "Ouch... don't, Laura will see."

Barry pulled Tom up without a word and slid half behind him, kissing Tom's shoulder, his shoulder blade, the top of his spine. It was here that he bit, teeth and tongue that sent shivers down Tom's spine, and it hurt but it felt so good. Barry was rough.

"How does it feel when I do it?" Barry asked, pulling away and tracing the half-moon mark with his finger. Tom leaned back, pulling Barry in front of him again and placed his mouth near the back of Barry's ear, holding one side of Barry's face with one hand and sliding the other down between them until he found the heat of Barry's thighs and wrapped his fingers around his brother's cock. Barry cried out and Tom let the first one go as he began stroking, until Barry jerked against him and cried out again. "Shut up!" Tom whispered, almost gently, but with a panicked edge. "Everyone's going to hear if you keep doing that!"

Barry's eyes opened to calculate how angry Tom was, and he relaxed when he saw that he wasn't at all. They both knew that it would be too hard to really… do this... and neither knew quite how to go about it, but they knew what felt good. What felt right and what didn't. Tom pressed his hips hard against Barry's, feeling the blood pound through him, and they held each other still, hips flush against hips for several long moments before they began to rock against each other. Tom shifted, leaned back, and he reached for Barry's hand, gasping softly, and held it, fingers half-interlocked around the two parts of their bodies just under the join. He watched as Barry threw his head back and swore.

"What if we get caught?" Tom found himself whispering even though he really didn't care. The Ecstasy coursed through him and nothing, _nothing_ had ever felt better. Not even with Laura... there was something else... something more with Barry.

Their breathing matched and contrasted as they both shook and rocked their way towards the peak of everything. When they hit, it was at the same time, and warmth coated their stomachs before Barry leaned into him, his free hand holding Tom's arm so tightly it was painful.

After several long moments of just sitting together they got up and both stooped so Tom could retrieve the towel from the floor. It was still damp from their wet bodies and they used it to clean themselves up.

Back in bed, Tom listened to his brother's breathing, felt his tension – he knew that something still wasn't right. _He _was still there, closer to the surface than usual. Barry turned towards the night table again, fishing out the knife. He turned and touched it to the join. "Do you trust me?"

Tom looked up at him, reached up to tilt his face up so Barry had to look at him.

"Yeah." Barry hurt more about the knife threat than Tom did, and Tom suspected he always would.

"Always?" Barry pressed the knife down hard enough to bite into their skin, but not cut it.

"Always," Tom affirmed. He wouldn't reach down to move the knife. That would show lack of trust. Barry pulled the blade away anyway.

"We could do it, you know." Barry said. "A separation. He says it's possible." Barry glanced up to gauge Tom's reaction.

"I don't want it," Tom said.

Barry sighed. He turned over, put the knife away, then turned off the light before curling up against Tom.

_Could do_... "Could not."

He knew Tom understood.


End file.
